


War of the Whatever

by Ursula



Category: The X-Files
Genre: Holidays, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-01-15
Updated: 2005-01-15
Packaged: 2019-02-05 14:28:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 936
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12796449
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ursula/pseuds/Ursula
Summary: April Fool story from Ursula





	War of the Whatever

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Haven, the archivist: This story was originally archived at [Fandom Haven Story Archive (FHSA)](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Fandom_Haven_Story_Archive), was scheduled to shut down at the end of 2016. To preserve the archive, I began working with the OTW to transfer the stories to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2017. If you are this creator and the work hasn't transferred to your AO3 account, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Fandom Haven Story Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/fhsa/profile).

Ursula Unwell: We know now that in the early years of the twentieth first century this world was being watched closely by intelligences greater than man's and yet as mortal as his own. 

 

But enough about women. 

 

It was the beginning of April 2003. The eyes of at least five members of the mailing list were glued to their monitors. 

 

As our video feed zooms in on the urban apartment of our hero, it finds twin moons orbiting, or at least bouncing happily between the widely spread legs of Alex Krycek. Sitting next to the active pair in the large bed, Walter Skinner sat knitting a sweater Madame DeFarge, his new therapist, strongly recommended knitting as a relaxing 

activity. 

 

"Aren't you done checking Krycek's moral dipstick yet?" Walter asked, at the latest crescendo of moans, pants, and yodeling. 

 

"Ohhhh," Mulder moaned dramatically, "Still two drops short of bone dry." 

 

Wiping Alex's cum off his glasses, Walter commented, "Hell of lot more than two drops if you ask me." 

 

Mulder let out a long sigh of satisfaction as his eyes rolled back in his head in appreciation. 

 

"About time," Walter muttered, grabbing a condom and the lube. 

 

"Put down those knitting needles before you get anywhere near me," Alex said bitchily. "I've had enough of being in purl." 

 

Walter looked around and stuck his needles in the nearest receptacle...Mulder's ass. It was handy and Mulder didn't mind. They waved gently above his lean, round ass like some bizarre tail. 

 

"One finger, two finger," Walter recited, "What come next, Alex?" 

 

"A hundred bucks?" Alex suggested, reverting to a peachy keen rent boy characterization. 

 

Walter swatted Alex's plush buns and made him sing like a lorelei. 

 

Just as Walter was sliding home, a series of loud thumps came from the outer room. Mulder piped, "They're here." 

 

"What the hell?" Walter growled, his chest hair standing on end. Bristling, Walter said, "I'll get to the bottom of this!" 

 

"That's what you were doing," Alex complained, but he followed Walter out of bed, rubbing his suddenly empty ass. Fortunately although otherwise naked, he was fully armed and holding his Glock as affectionately as if it was his cock. 

 

OooOooO 

 

Mulder grabbed a baseball bat. Knitting needles still inserted in his ass, he was a ridiculous sight, but never the less, he was true blue and brave. 

 

The three men tumbled out of the bedroom and into the living room where they saw an alien being. It was a huge glob of pinkish flesh, surmounted by a head of brown. Wrinkles surrounded the head, which had one central opening. Mulder thought this must be the mouth although it didn't open as the lump of flesh blindly and angrily quested for prey. 

 

In a flash, the monster turned on Walter and Alex, pinning them helplessly against the wall. Mulder heard muffled sounds and realized that his lovers were being smothered. His baseball bat fell on the huge pink monster as if it had not a nerve in its vast body. The blob of flesh seemed to be seeking Alex and Walter's heads, trying to force its mouth against theirs. Mulder could only conclude it was some type of breath stealing vampire. 

 

At last, Mulder realized he had one weapon left or rather two, Walter's knitting needles that were still bravely bobbing in his ass. Mulder whipped out the needles and with a Miss Piggy karate cry, he jabbed them deep into the monster's heaving flesh. 

 

Mulder's ploy was successful...in part. The monster whirled away from his lovers and lunged at him, pressing up against him and pushing its rubbery orifice into his face. He realized sadly that he might have given his life for Walter and Alex. He hoped he could come back and haunt them as an incubus. 

 

Mulder was trying to grab his cock...why waste a decent prediction after all? Although it wouldn't be quite Clyde Bruckman's prophesy of autoerotic expiation with the help of the fleshy monster factored into the crime scene. 

 

Just in time, Scully tromped over the pushed down door and used her high heel to beat the monster off her partner. Moments later, the cowed monster was forced into Mulder's kitchen. Scully pushed the refrigerator down, flattening the lumpy monster into submission. She winced and said, "I hated to do that. I feel for you, monster." 

 

"What the hell is it?" Mulder asked. 

 

Scully eyed the three naked men and sighed, "Since I have nothing better to do in this story, I was investigating a crime. You see some years ago, there was a serious incident at the La Leche foundation. A man with a deep resentment as the result of bottle-feeding broke into the foundation and was disappointed to find the breast milk he coveted was not somehow flowing in streams down the hall. He was incarcerated and vowed revenge. He was released and, in a pervasion of medical technology, he made this." 

 

"This?" asked Mulder, resenting being made to take the Dr. Watson role for once. 

 

"This," Scully said. "I don't know why the man sent his creature here. That's the only part I don't understand." 

 

By this time, Walter and Alex had freed the mashed breast and subdued it with an elastic sheet, a triple Z cup as it were. Alex turned the breast over and said, "Mulder, it's a message." 

 

"A message?" Mulder asked. 

 

"Yeah, Mulder, you ever hear of a candy gram?" Alex said. Looking at the flattened breast, he said, "Well, this is a mammogram." 

 

Surely enough, there was message tattooed on the breast.... 

 

 

April Fool from Ursula!


End file.
